The worst beverage in America has travelled north of the 44th parallel and found a home in Canada’s comfort cafe– Tim Hortons.

Cold Stone Creamery and their delicious belt busting ice cream desserts, along with their infamous milkshakes can now be found at 17 locations in the golden horseshoe.

How bad is this new treat to beat the summertime heat?

***SPOILER ALERT***

If you wish to truly enjoy a Cold Stone Creamery shake you’ll probably want to stop reading at this point.  Ignorance is bliss.

The large size peanut butter and chocolate milkshake (the least healthy of the varieties) packs a whopping 2010 calories, 131 grams of fat, and 58 grams of saturated fat.

Is it worth it?

Well I had to know.  I opted to go for the small size, which only contains a mere (I use that term quite loosely) 1250 calories.

Though it was fantastic, it is difficult to separate the ultra rich taste from the overwhelming feeling of guilt.

Consume a large one and you missed your opportunity to gorge on 68 strips of bacon according to Men’s Health Fitness Magazine.  Furthermore, there is not a single size or variety of milkshake that contains fewer than 1,000 calories.

I decided to look into how this fares compared to the most unhealthy drinks already for sale in Canada.  Here’s how the Cold Stone Creamery shake fares against the popular dessert drink at other popular fast food restaurants located in Canada.

Tim Horton’s- Cold Stone Creamery: Large Peanut Butter and Chocolate Shake:  2010 calories 131 grams of fat  68 grams of saturated fat.

A&W: Large Chocolate Shake:  1720 Calories  47 Grams of fat 30 grams of saturated fat.

McDonald’s: Large Chocolate Milkshake: 1160 calories 29 grams of fat 18 grams of saturated fat.

Burger King: Large Chocolate Shake: 950 calories 13 grams of fat 8 grams of saturated fat.

Harvey’s: Chocolate Shake:  730 calories  33 grams of fat 21 grams of saturated fat.

KFC:  Triple Chocolate Krusher:  660 calories 34 grams of fat  25 grams of saturated fat.

Arby’s: Chocolate Shake: 570 calories 15 grams of fat  7 grams of saturated fat.

Wendy’s: Chocolate Fudge Frosty Shake:  540 calories 13 grams of fat 8 grams of saturated fat.

Though A&W comes pretty close in the early grave monster calorie category, nothing really compares to the worst drink in America.

I never thought that I could make a healthy choice and go for a 540 calorie shake.

So the question remains: To indulge or not to indulge.

Much like anything in life, moderation is the key.

Personally speaking though, I’ll gladly have a sip if a friend offers; but something this bad I think I’ll wait for an out of this world good day or an unbelievably bad day to justify such abuse on my body.

Famed documentarian Morgan Spurlock was apprehended yesterday atop of the Empire State Building in New York City, New York.

He was caught trying to assemble and  hook up a giant circle in attempt to block out the sun for all of Manhattan.

Officials say he was first approached by a security guard on his tenth trip that day to the top of the tallest New York building.   Each time carrying a metal triangle that he would later attempt to piece together as the giant sun blocker.

Morgan Spurlock

When asked why it took so long to apprehended him, Senior Vice President of W&H Properties (the company who owns the building), Fred C. Posniak, said “we train our security staff to be on the lookout for suspicious characters.  Spurlock is a white red haired middle-aged male.  We only stop those who look like a terrorist as per the specifications of the US Homeland Security department.  In other words, we’re not looking for white trouble makers.”

Spurlock was driven to insanity only five days into his newest 30 day documentary challenge: watching the Simpsons non-stop.

Spurlock has achieved a great deal of fame over the past six years after producing, directing, and starring in the documentary ‘Supersize Me’.  Here he ate McDonald’s non stop for 30 days and tortured his body in ways anyone under 400 pounds couldn’t possibly understand.

He was inspired after producing ‘The Simpsons 20th Anniversary Special: In 3-D! On Ice!’, which aired last Sunday.

His newest challenge pitted him against his television set.   He was too watch as much Simpsons as possible for the next 30 days.  His plan was to watch 12 hours a day at least.  His physician Dr. Daryl M. Isaacs urged him to lay up on the Simpsons viewing.

“I told him that watching the Simpson for more that seven hours a day would drive any man insane,” he said.  ”But Morgan wouldn’t listen.  After four days he watched 90 hours of the program, stopping only to use the washroom and to fill up on donuts and McDonald’s.”

With 450 episodes of the Simpsons aired to date, a person can watch the show non stop for over seven straight days.  That’s not including the Simpsons movie.

Despite doctors orders, Spurlock, as he is known to do, took his idea to the ultimate extreme.

By day three he lost all sense of reality, according to his wife Alexandra Jamieson.

“He started calling me Marge, and was furious that my hair was flat and straight and not towering like the wife and mother on the Fox show,” she said.  ”He would just sit there watching the show and eating donuts.  His fast food obsession drove him nuts.  He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get him a genuine Krusty Burger.”

He settled for endless Big Macs to feed his Homer Simpson-esque gluttonous appetite.

This insanity drove him to try to block out the sun.  An act that occurred in the Simpsons 6th season finale entailed ‘Who shot Mr. Burns?’.

When the Empire State Building security and the NYPD finally caught on to what he was doing, Spurlock was on top of the building’s antenna.

One security guard likened the image of Spurlock dangling on the antenna with police below to the famous scene at the end of the 1933 film ‘King Kong’.

Spurlock was shouting at the authorities, screaming “Back off Wiggum!”

Police Chief Clancy Wiggum is a character on the television show.

The NYPD were able to get him down by shooting him with a tranquilizer gun prior to the completion of his two-bit contraption which in no way would have successfully blocked out the sun for New York.

“At best it would have provided some shade for those at the observation deck,” said Posniak.

Spurlock is now residing in prison in the insanity ward.  His road to recovery is long.

He does no longer believe he is the Springfield billionaire Mr. Burns; however, he has taken on a new Simpsons persona–Michael Jackson.

This is reminiscent of an episode in the Simpsons second season, where Homer is locked up with an insane man who believes he is the late pop singer.

Despite all this, Jamieson is still confident the videos of him going insane will hit theatres soon enough.  The new documentary ‘Simpsinsane Me’ is scheduled to be released later this year.

This phrase so overused during the holiday season has become more of cliche than a convincing pitch.

Nevertheless this phrase certainly entered my consciousness when unwrapping my prized holiday gift–A Crosley CR49 Stack-O-Matic Traveler Turntable.

Crosley CR49 Stack-O-Matic Traveler Turntable

This is a brand new player designed to look like the 1950’s retro style record players.  One of many new makes of turntables entering the market.

Since a trip to the thrift store the past summer, the idea of owning this piece of audio nostalgia has been on the top of my list of things to purchase when my disposable income became more manageable. A fact not lost on the lovely gift-giver.

Enjoying the new turntable at a 1920's themed new years party

Since receiving my gift my eyes have been open to the still very much alive vinyl market.

After a quick google search, the city is full of players to pick up some records. Here’s a list I found of the top 10 places in Toronto to purchase records.

I found there are a lot of great finds at thrift stores for the old pieces of music history. Just the other day I picked up the famous Depeche Mode 1987 album “Music for the Masses” at Value Village. The price tag-three dollars.

All stores that have records have used records. You’re looking to spend around five dollars for a used classic album. These are the records that were cleared out as record collections were replaced by the compact disc.

They became a waste of space. A remanence of technology whose size was irrelevant, as its function was all that mattered. A large music collection took up space.

Could you imagine what a 15GB iPod collection in record format? I think I’ll do some calculations to figure this out in an update.

The next best source for some cheap used records– middle aged men. Bring up that you have a record player and are assembling a collection, prepare to talk classic rock for 10 minutes or so. Afterwards, take your pick of the litter of Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd. They were just collecting dust anyway. (Thanks Mr. S.)

Artists are still coming out with Vinyl. I purchased the new Killers, The Decemeberists and Weakerthans, among others. Newer records are usually $15-$40.

Coming out with a vinyl album adds prestige to a band or musician.  Successful albums are still rewarded with a silver, gold, or platinum record.

Generally speaking you’re not going to find a top 40 pop band with a new record.  Under the ‘S’ category you’re much more likely to find a band like Smashing Pumpkins then and artist like Britney Spears.

Some audiophiles will argue the sound of analog (records) is superior to digital. The argument being that music must first be encoded prior to make it to the CD or an MP3 file; whereas with a record the sound is imprinted right into the vinyl. The sound produced is supposedly more accurate to that actual recording.

I much prefer the record player than listening to tunes on my computer or a CD. I couldn’t say for certain any incredibly noticeable differences between the sound, the exception being the all familiar crackle at the start of a record. I love that crackle.

Listening to vinyl is a whole experience. A step back in technology. The process of taking out a record, placing it carefully over the centre, then softly positioning the needle, and listening to the WHOLE album.

This concept of just being engaged in how the musician or band wants to present there art for you, was lost on me. I hadn’t even purchased a physical CD in years.

When I list to my iTunes, I have the habit–as I know many others do– of listening to my whole playlist on random. Often I won’t make it through a song without skipping to the next. Usually after catching the good parts.

This disconnection with the music made my very apathetic towards music. I had no interest to go out and search for what I like. If I heard it on the radio, I’d download it, and added it to the playlist.

There’s something a little more personal about vinyl when comparing it to more modern technologies. It’s a raw piece of music.

Here’s and interesting experiment. If you place a piece of paper of a record and take a cocktail straw and move it slowly around the record, you will be able to heard music. It will be very faint, but all it needs to do is be amplified to act as a record player.

The music is closer to you. It’s not cyber-mystery as to where the music comes from. When you watch a record you can see it slowly and hypnotically spin–this was the original media player visualization.

This piece of late 19th century technology has reacquainted me with the joy of music.  It allows me to take a step back and be more engaging with my growing collection of tunes on vinyl.  It’s also a hit at parties.

Tiger Woods sporting his new sponsor's hat

The heated battle for Tigers Woods’ new sponsor is over.   After the consulting firm Accenture dropped the golfing phenomenon, the rest of the sponsors were sure to follow.  The  watchmaker Tag Heuer  was on the fence as to what to do about America’s newly revealed playboy.  Nike, though not publicly, were mulling over whether they should keep their logo on Woods’ balls (they weren’t sure what to do about his golf balls either).

Mucas Away-- solving your mucus problems since 200

Now as his sponsor I have plenty of appearances for him, starting with a trip to the grocery store

Mike Nelson and Tiger Woods hammering out a deal

with me.   Then off to the Ministry of Transportation where he will wait in line and keep me company when I renew my license.  Finally to end the week, he’s coming out to the bar and introducing me to ladies as his ‘lifelong mentor’.

After being disappointed by the first installment, I vowed to never again spend money on this film franchise.  That being said, I caught this film on the plane ride back from Edmonton.  This was the only option that wasn’t a romantic comedy.  Also, being a huge transformers fan in my younger days, I felt for free I could give it another chance.

I’ll start with the positives of this film– great graphics and CGI effects.  The ability to put these monstrous robots on the same screen with people joining in on the fight is a triumph to what can be done in film with modern technology.

Also the casting of Megan Fox as eye candy did keep my attention at times.  She was a nice distraction and something to look at when the robot fighting started to get monotonous– about 20 minutes into the movie.

Though nice to look at, Fox was the least believable character in the film.  I can believe that there is a race of alien robots-in-disguise looking to set a battlefield on earth.  I can believe that the American military can form an alliance with the good guys– the Autobots.  I can even believe that these robots, whose relative size to humans is the same as humans are to tiny ants, would care to protect the human race for purely altruistic reasons.

What lost me was the pairing of Hollywood hottie Megan Fox and the nerdy and awkward Shia LaBeouf.  Seriously?  Robots from space, I get that.  Fox and LaBeouf, far too unbelievable.  Aside from the mismatched looks, the pair had no onscreen chemistry.  The director Michael Bay must have realized sometime in the middle of filming because every ‘affectionate’ moment between the couple was masked with romantic music and clever camera angles (usually being a 360 degree camera movement around the couple as they forced a romantic moment).

Other than that, much like the first film, there was no substance, just an array of fighting robots for 150 minutes.  Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional blow ‘em up bloodfest like anyone.   I’ll pay to see a Rambo or Die Hard sequel where you can shut your brain off and enjoy the carnage.  Even those movies know to limit themselves to a 90 to 110 minute film.

There was no blood, just robots.  Most of the time I couldn’t even establish what was going on– who was winning– or even why they were fighting.   It was just random carnage with robot characters that I had no emotional investment in.  It just dragged on and on and on.

There was some comical relief, very little funny.  The acting of the nutty former US agent from the first film, John Turturro, was the only character who made me laugh.  Much like in the first film, half the jokes were the same.  Action going on everywhere, and there is a person or animal that doesn’t notice and couldn’t care less.  This was a little funny the first time.  By the eighth or ninth time, I was ready to jump up and yell at the screen on the back of the seat in front of me on the plane: “I get it! It’s not funny!”.

The key flaw in this movie is the same flaw in many newer video games– all graphics and no substance.

Nevertheless, the movie did okay in the box office.  With merchandising and cross promotion, this film is going to be a financial success.  It’s just another example of Hollywood movies that exist to make money not necessarily in the box office, but in the department and toy stores.  Hence why there will be a third film in 2011.

I give Transformers 2 a generous one and a half out of five.  The extra half is only because i have a soft spot for the franchise as it was a big part of my childhood.

It would have started to recover on April 22, 1970, the first time an Earth Day was observed.  It’s recovery would have continued for 49 and a half years. On Tuesday, September 22, 2009, with man’s carbon footprint near washed away by a tide of fresh cool smog-free air, the G20 meeting in Pittsburgh would mark the end of humanity’s harmful stranglehold on mother nature.

When UN Secretary General urged attendees at the summit to get realistic and down to business, stating:  ”The science demands it. The world economy needs it”– the Earth would be on the verge of getting a clean bill of health.

The remaining polluters would be a few factories in China and the folks with the classic non-electric vehicles.  These remaning pollutants would vanish as soon as the ever inspiring US President Barack Obama took the stage and said “Now is the time for all of us to take our share of responsibility for a global response to global challenges.”

With a hail and a hoorah the Earth would be as clean as the day before man discovered fire– clean enough to eat off of.

Sadly inspiration is only affective if it mobilizes the vast majority of polluters.  That can only happen if its quick and easy, or imperative… imminently imperative to the survival of mankind.

This is why meteors don’t concern me.  I have faith that in a time of desperation, humans will pull together and deflect the rock that is playing a game of chicken with our planet.  Then I’m sure as good humans, we would get back to killing the earth and each other.

Global warming is occurring quickly, but not quick enough for the masses to truly concern themselves.  On a scale of importance, I’m sure feeding one’s family, maintaining one’s health, and the score of the Monday Night Football game often rank well ahead of saving the planet to the average person.

So when will the world’s leaders and common citizens get on board?  When will the inspiring save the earth speeches mobilize people of all countries to work together to solve years of neglect for the planet’s well-being? When will polar bears be able to enjoy large luxurious fields of ice to live on and prosper?

Well I suppose that depends on how inspiring and serious our leaders can be.  My bet though would probably be the day after it’s to late.

At the time it looked to be the end of a heavily divided era in American politics.   Most of the world was thinking good riddance to bad leadership.  With a well read, well spoken, and heavily ambitious president, there would accountability in the White House.  The goal will become to bring Americans together not to draw battle lines between the right and the left.

America has been in dire need of health care reform for years.   According to the National Coalition on Healthcare 18 percent (46 million)  of Americans under the age of 65 are without any type of health insurance.  To me this seems more like a national crisis than a democratic initiative.

Protest after protest at town hall meetings across America gives the impression that the government has plans to take over every aspect of the lives of American citizens.  It has become a cavalcade of shouting and drowning out any information the town hall meetings intended on clearing up.  Religious fanatics are shouting the democrats judgement day will come. The crowds reciting the pledge of allegiance in attempts to drown out any information being relayed.  Those of whom clearly don’t know what the word indivisible means: “one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”  They scream as they turn the debate into a divisive screaming match.

Of course it’s also good to meet this weeks Joe the Plumber:  William Kostrick.  This man loves the country so much that he thought to bring a loaded gun to a town hall meeting with Barack Obama in Portsmith, New Hampshire.  I can’t possibly understand  what this man hoped to accomplish.  If someone brings a gun to a debate, then that’s a pretty good indication that person doesn’t plan to listen to any arguments.

I would love to imagine the conversation between Kostrick and a sane observer.

Kostrick: “F**k Obama.  He can’t control my life.  No to death panels.”

Sane Observer: “Well I’m not sure you have all the facts.  In fact I don’t think anyone does.  Let’s listen to what the President has to say, then think about how this plan can be improved if necessary.”

Kostrick: “F**k you. You F**king commie.  I’ll bust a cap in your ass!”

Sane Observer: “Oh, I see you have a gun.  Never mind, I’m going run off somewhere.  I can’t afford to be shot without any health care.”

President Obama and his staff are attempting to reach the people with these town hall meetings.  The majority of Americans seem to agree that something has to be done to health care.  After all they voted Obama into office and this was part of his platform.  Imagine that, a politician doing what he said he would do if elected–weird.

It’s as though Americans don’t want to be talked to at there own level.  Perhaps we need another ‘Decider‘ in the White House.   Someone who ignores popular opinion and does what god tells him to do.

Now I respect that these yahoos coming to the meetings with the sole intentions of making a disruption are the vocal minority, despite the claims that one lady said to Obama that these people were the silent majority.

I sympathise with the US president because he’s trying to do what many want there politicians to do– listen to the public.  This only works if the public listens to the government.  Clearly many are using these debates as a tool to make there public appear so divided over this issue that this plan cannot work in America. Public health care may work, though not without some problems,  in Canada, England, Germany, Sweden, etc., but not in America.

Americans don’t want the fictitious death panels that private citizen Sarah Palin is up in arms against.  They can’t handle the idea that no matter what a citizen’s health can be taken care of.  The invisible hand should take care of the motivated and punish the lazy.  At least that’s what this small group of loud, uninformed, hyper conservative, easily terrified people want the public to believe.  Oh, and of course the insurance companies who have enjoyed the advantages of being near unregulated essential service for decades.

Although that may be true for this small eardrum busting group.  But I can think of at least 46 million individuals who couldn’t possibly disagree more.

Names like Bill O’ Reilly, Glenn Beck, and Sean Hannity have made their careers on creating any and every conceivable way to convince people that we are in grave danger– Americans are in danger of communists in our borders.  There are terrorists waiting to attack little Suzie in the playground because of an unnatural and unmotivated hatred for the western way of life.  Gay marriage will cause a chain reaction that can only result in the apocalypse.

This spewing of verbal venom can be viewed as the ramblings of deranged individuals.  So why are these people given airtime?  It’s simple really.  These rantings are hard to ignore and… well… fun to watch.

I try to stay away from this far fetched and borderline insane personalities.  However, one night I tuned into CNN at watch a whole episode of Nancy Grace.  From there I was hooked.

Nancy Grace is just as loud mouth and obnoxious as the rest of the ’shout’ broadcasters.  There is a key difference that sets the Grace apart from the rest– rather than forming an opinion, she will usually take something that anyone can agree with and will just try to out-shout anyone.

In one broadcast there was a story of an American father who killed his family.  This is a horrific tragedy.  How horrific is it? Watch Nancy Grace.  She will literally spend an hour show letting us know.  ”This man should be locked away for life!”.  ”He’s a bad person!” .  ”What is wrong with him!?”  ”This man should not be allowed to  have children!”

This kind of reporting is in no way news or insightful, but it’s sure as hell fun to watch.

If this lady was on the subway with me shouting like that, well I’d probably try to switch cars.  On the TV with graphics, it’s an awesome way to unwind.

Watching this crazy lady make a career of convicted alleged criminals is like watching a car crash.  It’s awful, it’s despicable, it’s impossible to turn away.

Always having to put up with all the conditions this planet has to offer is what bonds us as Canadians– with the exception of the Vancouverites… Vancouverins.. Vancouvish… Vancouver dwellers.  However the winter rain and dreariness in Vancouver is a fair trade off for snow.

To date this spring I have had numerous regrettable occasions where I dawned shorts only to have the weather take an unexpected drop.

I imagine this is an experience people across the country can relate to.  Pulling out and dusting off the summer wear that have been  on their off-season vacation provide a mild form of excitement.  This is often followed by a trip to the mall to pick out some new summer wear.

I had some friends from Florida come by to visit a few weeks ago.  It was their first Canadian experience.  The weather average: about eight degrees all weekend.  My friend Kat shouted out a one point while waiting in line for a Kensington Market bar: “God its spring!  Haven’t Canadians gotten the memo?”

I found myself defending the Toronto climate, while cursing it when among other Canadians.

I take comfort in knowing the good weather must be on its way.  My shorts are all warmed up now.

So I fear not.  I know soon enough it will be too goddamn hot to go outside.

The World Health Organization announced yesterday the Swine flu is at a pandemic alert level of 5 out of 6.  This means at least two countries had cases of human-to-human contact.  A full blown pandemic is imminent according to the WHO.

So what does this mean for the average person?  Well it appears to me that these warnings are there to both get all governments on board with taking precautions and to scare the crap out of individuals so everyone takes precautions.

Is panic really the best way to go about containment?  Now, with the exception of Mexico, the world is full of leaders telling people not to live in fear, whereas the opposite message is coming out of the WHO.  US VP Joe Biden further gave mixed signals by saying that he is telling his children to avoid public transit and air travel on NBC’s today show.

Now I feel it is my responsibility as a concerned Canadian citizen to remain calm and treat those with a cough as a leper.

I remember these mixed signals with SARS.  Living in Toronto, I was on the tail end of the full blown scare.  Tourism died, but on the upside I went to the kick-ass Rolling Stones concert ‘SARS stock’– as it was informally dubbed.

Fear, though effective in providing a stern warning, doesn’t really help us out as a community.  If the economy isn’t struggling enough already, we should now board up our windows and sit with a loaded shotgun in the basement?  There must be a better way.

Not being a doctor or a pandemic historian, I realize that certain excessive precautions may be taken.  What seems like overkill may be necessary.

I’ll do my best to take the recommended precautions, but I can’t put my life on hold for something I can’t control.  This is a time when we need to solve the problem as a global community.  Instating a ‘fear’ policy may weaken our ability to act together.

I’m reserving my tickets for yet to be created  ’Swine fest’ concert.